Soul Purpose - 07/05/2007

Reading "The Color of Water" really got me thinking about my own life and where I came from. A few weeks ago, I took a box of paperwork to work to shred. Papers from at least 12 years ago or more. Receipts, accounts, my past life. As I am shredding these papers, I feel myself tensing & I could understand why. No disrespect to my ex and especially my ex's family; I am not here to ex-bash. This is about me (isn't is always?) :) I was shredding bad debts, bankruptcy, my old life that I cannot even recognize, and was remembering. It was such a weird feeling.

I wish I could impart my knowledge to some younger people I know. Don't marry young. (They do). Don't have kids until you get your degree (they do anyway and drop school). Don't charge things and live beyond your means (they do). And they're drowning. I wish I could help...but we all have to make our own mistakes and grow from them. I married young, at 21, thinking someone would take care of me, and years later, I realized I was doing all the taking care of. I had nothing financially other than the hand-to-mouth paychecks I was getting. I left. I got a small apartment for my son & I. We lived on mac and cheese and sandwiches for a while (I never learned to cook and never had to during my marriage; he's still a superb cook). Poor Jacob and the tasteless meals he endured. We lived without cable for 2 years. We had no cell phone. I made my rent, my car and always made the payments for Jacob's prepaid college plan. Who needs cable anyway?

I had a good job, though, and a boss who believed in my talents. He promoted me and gave me excellent raises. Then in 2000, I bought my first home, by myself. I was 29, a single mom and a homeowner. I was ecstatic. I was SO proud of me. Some time last year, when looking at the new home we purchased, David's mom and grandma asked me if my new larger home was like a dream come true. I honestly replied "No. Buying my little blue house was my dream come true. This is on a whole different level."

I spent 6 happy years in the "blue house." My car was paid for, my son's college was paid for, I had investments. What? True. Me. Investments. I learned to cook just a little, met David, we married, had Isabel, and little blue house got very crowded.

Here I am now in my "beyond-dream" home. I remember being told by my ex "One day we'll have a house," and I waited and waited for it to happen. It never did; it wasn't given to me. I had to work my butt off to get it for myself. Now, I've owned two, sharing this one with my goofy husband.

As I shred those papers, my chest constricted, remembering the past. But this past and God made me stronger than I could ever imagine.